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Valentine's
Valentine's is the first special video for Outpost Zero. Plot Michael, Joe, and Nick are ordered to make a Valentine's Day video while Brian and Austin insult each other. Joe then attempts and fails to get a Valentine's date, and Jack gets Austin's obese girlfriend mad with him, causing him to get dumped. Characters Red Team *Sergeant Jones *Michael Smith *Nick Johnson *Joe Daniels Blue Team *Brian Richards *Jack Reynolds *Austin Wells Transcript Open to Michael, Nick, and Joe standing outside Red Base. Michael: "Hello, my name is Michael Smith." Nick: "And I'm Private Nick Johnson." Joe: "Well my name is Joe Daniels, and I'm a Private in the Red Army. I'm stationed at Hemorrhage Can-" Nick (to Joe): "Dude, shut up. You don't need to do that." Michael: "(groans) Now I gotta reset the video again." Michael walks off-screen. Nick: "Just say your name, that's it." Joe: "What? I was just explaining-" Nick: "Don't. Just say your name. Me and the Corporal will do the talking." Joe: "You mean the Corporal and I." Nick: "Wha? No. You don't do the talking, me and the Corporal will." Joe: "Yeah, but you meant to say the Corporal and I." Nick (exasperated): "No I didn't mean to say anything! ME AND THE CORPORAL! NOT YOU!" Michael (still off-screen): "He's correcting your grammar, not arguing." Nick: "Wha? Oh, fuck that." Michael: "Okay can we start this now?" Nick: "Why are we doing this again?" Michael: "The Sergeant wanted us to make a video about Valentine's Day to keep us busy so we leave him alone." Nick: "This team sucks." Michael: "Yeah, I know. You ready?" Nick: "Yup." Joe: "I'm as ready as a-" Nick: "JOE!" Joe: "I'm ready as well." Michael (walking on-screen): "Okay, take five. In three, two, one... Hi I'm Michael-" Nick sneezes loudly. Michael: "Dude!" Nick: "Excuse me, I had to fucking sneeze. My visor's all covered in snot, I need to go clean it out." Nick enters the base. Cut to Blue Base. Brian is watching the Reds through a sniper rifle scope as Jack approaches. Jack: "What are they doing?" Brian: "They're... making a video?" Jack: "What? Really?" Brian: "Yeah, and they have a poster too... It looks like they're making a Valentine's Day video." Austin (running to them): "Oh crap, it's Valentine's Day, I need to e-mail my girlfriend." Jack: "You don't have a girlfriend fatty," Austin: "Yeah I do, I met her a few days ago." Jack: "Dude, we've been in this canyon for a week. How could you have met her a few days ago? The only girl around here is that pink woman at Red Base." Brian: "I think she's a dude." Jack: "What?" Brian: "Yeah, the three Reds were arguing with each other when a certain dumbass flipped our Warthog over. I remember the pink one's voice. Real fucking annoying one. I wouldn't call it a manly voice, but definitely not female." Jack: "Oh. What were we talking abou... Oh yeah. How could you have met a girl a few days ago?" Austin: "I met her online." Jack and Brian chuckle softly. Brian: "She's a dude too." Jack: "Yeah probably." Austin: "Oh, ha-ha. I've actually video chatted with her. She's not a dude." Jack: "Could be a dude in disguise." Austin: "Jack, shut up." Brian: "Did she have an Adam's apple?" Austin: "A what?" Brian: "Eh, never mind. Do you have a picture of her?" Austin: "Why?" Brian: "Because if she has an Adam's apple, she's a he." Austin: "(groans) Hold on..." Jack and Brian start chuckling. Brian: "Holy... Dude, she's got like twelve chins, I can't even see her neck." Jack: "Think about how many things she could hide in those fat rolls." Brian: "She's even fatter than you are! Can she even get out of bed without a forklift?" Austin: "Well at least I have a valentine. Do you have one?" Brian: "We're in a canyon with no girls, what do you think?" Austin: "Exactly. Jack, what about you?" Jack: "Well, no. I had one last year." Brian: "Dude, it's a stupid holiday that no one cares about." Austin: "You're probably just saying that because you've never had one." Brian: "Well... eh..." Jack: "You haven't had a Valentine? Even fatty here can get one." Brian: "Well if I wanted to go after 400 pound leviathans, I'd have one too." Austin: "I don't know... you're kind of an asshole, sir." Brian: "Well, yeah. I'm not exactly nice, but..." Austin: "And you're kind of ugly, sir." Brian: "Well, yeah..." Austin: "And you're freakishly tall..." Brian: "I'm not sure if that's necessarily a negative... Alright, I see where this conversation is going." Joe (over radio): "Hey, Blue guy? One of you forgot to turn off your radio." Brian: "Austin?" Austin: "Oh crap. The computer's microphone is hooked up to the radio." Joe: "While we may be enemies from separate nations, but like you, I have never had a Valentine, or a date for that matter." Jack (sarcastically): "With that voice, I wonder why." Brian: "Don't tell me he's going to ask us to be-" Joe: "But in the interest of celebrating the holidays, I would be willing to be your Valentine." Brian: "NO! What the fuck! Get the hell off my radio, Red." Joe: "Technically, you're broadcasting on my radio." Brian: "Austin, turn the fucking radio off, or I'll shoot the computer with my shotgun." Austin: "Well, I could pull this cord out, but it might damage the computer." Brian: "Just do it, I don't want to listen to this squeaky retard on my radio any longer." Austin: "Alright, well don't yell at me if the computer gets damaged." Brian: "You're the only one that uses the fucking thing! Do you really think I give a fuck?" Austin: "Well, you do get mad all the time... and you're always annoyed with me." Brian: "I take it back, I'm not going to shoot the computer, I'm going to shoot you if you don't pull the fucking..." Jack: "Fuck it, I'll do it." Austin: "Dude! That was the main power cord!" Jack (laughing): "Oops." Brian: "Thank you, Private Reynolds." Austin: "Aw man, it's gonna take me all day to figure out how to put this back in. My girlfriend's gonna be all pissed with me." Jack: "That sucks." Jack and Brian walk away. Cut to Red Base. Joe walks up to Sergeant Jones. Joe: "Um, Sergeant?" Sgt Jones: "What, private?" Joe: "Do you have a Valentine?" Sgt Jones: "No, I have a wife." Joe: "You're married?" Sgt Jones: "Yes, private. Is the video finished yet?" Joe: "Not exactly, after several failed attempts, we finally got out lines correct." Sgt Jones (annoyed): "But?" Joe: "Simply enough to say, no one put the memory card in the camera, so we didn't actually record anything." Sgt Jones (more irate): "Well, go back there, put the memory card in, and do it again!" Joe: "Yes sir!" Joe runs over to Nick and Michael. Nick: "Oh now what?" Joe: "Sergeant Jones says we have to try again with the video." Michael: "Of course we do." Joe: "Hey, do either of you have a Valentine?" Nick: "We're in a canyon with zero girls, where the hell do you expect us to get one?" Joe: "Well the Blues are getting them online apparently, but I'm willing to be one of you guys's Valentine." Nick: "Fuck, no." Michael: "Heeeellllllll no." Joe: "Oh..." Michael: "Hey Private, I know the perfect date for you." Joe (excited): "Really, who?" Michael: "Your... hand." Nick (chuckling): "Yeeeessssss, good trolling." Joe: "Well if you're referring to masturbation, I'll have you know that-" Michael: "Whoa! I don't want details." Nick: "No one wants to hear about you jacking off." Joe: "I was going to say that I don't because I find it against my religious-" Nick: "We don't care!" Cut back to Blue Base. Austin: "Well I fixed the cord that someone had to pull on..." Jack (laughing): "Oops." Brian: "Did you disconnect the radio?" Austin: "Yes I disconnected the radio. But thanks to Private Jackass." Jack (sarcastically): "Ooh... good one." Austin: "Thanks to Private Jackass, my girlfriend got all pissed off with me and broke up with me." Brian: "Congratulations, you got dumped by a behemoth." Austin: "I'm still doing better than you." Brian: "Well... yeah, but... Jack, go pull that cord again." Jack: "Okay." Austin: "No, don't you even think about..." Fade to black. Austin (annoyed): "Son of a bitch." Jack (chuckling): "Oops." Category:Outpost Zero